Similarities
by alba's room
Summary: Xander realises that there is something he and Buffy have in common. They both lost the ones the loved.


**Buffy**

**Similarities**

**A/N:** This is my first Buffy fic and I'm only a new fan to the show (thank goodness for Foxtel repeats) so I don't know everything but I'm trying. This is just a one-shot but maybe it will turn into more. Hope you like. Please R&R!

**Setting:** Directly after 'Chosen.'

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy.

* * *

"_So, did you see?"_

"_I—I was scared. I'm sorry."_

"_Did you see what happened? I mean, was she..."_

" _She was incredible. She died saving my life."_

" _That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing." _

* * *

" _Spike!"_

"_I mean it! I gotta do this."_

" _I love you."_

"_No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go! I wanna see how it ends."_

* * *

Xander lay across the bed in the cheap, roadside motel the Scoobies were staying in until they decided what to do with their lives now that they were free. From the outset, he appeared to be sleeping and although he was trying, his thoughts were elsewhere. They were with a small, basically blonde woman who had almost quite literally stolen his heart and his life. 

It was easy now after Anya's death to see what an idiot he'd been and in no way could he say he was happy it had ended this way. Willow had tried to cheer him up by telling him that there would be no more of the icky 'are we or aren't we' conversations but Xander felt pretty lousy about the whole thing. Losing the love of his life was not something he wanted to do very often.

Buffy entered the room followed by Andrew, who even thought he'd been released from his position as 'guestage/hostage' had chosen to stick with the gang no matter what. He had tried to cheer Xander up by telling him that in his line of work, he'd noticed people came back from the dead all the time, but once again, Xander wasn't moved.

"How are you feeling?" Buffy asked, sitting on the side of the bed. Xander looked blankly up at her but she didn't flinch.

Andrew opened his mouth to speak but something in Xander's stare stopped him. He instead mumbled something about helping Dawn with research and then left the room. Buffy turned to Xander and tried again.

"You know, you're not the only one who lost something, Xander," she said. He shot her a glare. "I'm only saying that because maybe it will help, knowing that other people are dying out there too."

"Great choice of words, Buffy," he laughed dryly. He looked up at her and smiled. "I'm really am trying to be okay. It's just… it's just, it's hard, you know?"

"I know."

"I mean, losing your town, that's bad. Losing half the girls, that's even worse but losing the love of your life," he said. "It's the worst."

"You're preaching to the choir," Buffy said. "I don't exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to men, in case you hadn't noticed."

"Oh, I'd noticed. I also noticed that you're men have a penchant for coming back," he said. "Anya's never coming back."

"No," Buffy said. "I guess not."

Xander sighed and rolled over. He spoke to the wall.

"I guess we're both just going to have to be in love with the dead," he said, his humor for once not unfounded. Buffy squeezed his ankle reassuringly and walked out of the room to leave him be but he stopped her. "You loved him, didn't you?"

"Yes," Buffy said, nearly inaudibly.

"Did he know?" he asked as Buffy sat down again.

"I don't think so," she said. "I mean, I told him but, he didn't believe me."

"Do you think she… knew?" Xander asked, his voice breaking as he tried to say his name. "Do you think Anya knew I loved her, despite everything?"

"Yes," Buffy said. She lay down next to Xander and he took her into his arms.

"You think she loved me, too?"

"More than you'll ever know," Buffy said. She was silent.

"He loved you."

"I know."

"And I think he knows," Xander said.

Buffy didn't move. Shebarely blinked and swallowed.

"You know something?" Xander said finally.

"What?"

"We're a pair, for once, you and I," he answered. "We're fighting the same battle and you aren't the strong one. We're in battle together and neither of us has the strength."

"Like it?" she asks.

"Losing the battle or being in it with you?"

"Being the other half of our pair," Buffy replied.

"Not really," Xander answered simply. "But if I have to be in this with anyone, I want to be with you. You have never lost, Buff."

"Maybe this is a battle we're meant to lose," Buffy said, her voice cracking. "How are we meant to get through this?"

"I don't know," Xander answered it truthfully. "But we will. We never lose. And we will get over this."

"I just want to give up. He was my strength. How do I survive without my strength?"

"I thought I was your strength," Xander parried lightly. He squeezed Buffy tight.

"You're a different kind of strength."

"Anya was my everything. My laughter, my joy. My anxiety too. She drove me crazy, you know, but at the end of the day, there was nothing I wouldn't do for her."

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you," Buffy said.

"Well then, you won't give up," Xander said. He felt Buffy constrict in a silent sob. "We're a pair. We'll get through this together, like we always have. Alright?"

she didn't answer.

"Buffy, I never told you but you are my strength. The way you deal with everything in your life and you get through everything the world throws at you, is amazing. So, when I say I need you to fight with me, I need to be strong. I need your strength."

"Alright," she whispered.

"I love you, Buffy. I'm sorry if I don't tell you enough, but I do. You're one of my best friends," he whispered.

"I love you too, Xander," she whispered back. She nestled into his arms but his arms around her weren't what she was imagining. And the body in his arms was not the body he was imagining.

"This is cozy," Buffy started.

"Doesn't feel the same but, does it?"

She was silent for a moment before she answered, "No. And it probably never will."


End file.
